I'm just beginning, pen in my hand, ending unplanned...

It's officially been 3 months since my placement. 3 of the longest and slowest months of my life.  I've survived it so far.

Each day brings something new. Some days I'm "normal" and ok and some days I have no motivation to get out of bed. Most days have been easy for me to slap a smile on my face. It gets a little easier everyday. I try to just stay as busy as possible most of the time. I've been really busy with work and being a few days away from starting school so I have a lot to look forward to.

The best advice my counselor gave me was to make goals for myself and my future. My goals for the year 29 of my life are to take care of my health better (get that pesky dental work done), pay off a portion of my debt, lose some weight and save money so I can travel when I turn 30. I already feel a lot of pressure to go ahead and start working on my goals. I don't want another year to pass without accomplishing anything. Since having Olivia it has made me realize that I did need to grow up and think about what I really wanted for the future. That's my advice to any woman in her 20's. Think about what you want for the next year, 5, 10 and plus. Tomorrow will come and go just as quickly. The things that are "important" now will be there tomorrow. I never thought about life besides shopping and bars. Because Carrie Bradshaw does both constantly. But she still has a great career to support that! Now it's time for me to think about what I really want to do in my career. Do I want to be a stylist on my feet forever repeating the same thing day after day? Or do I want to make a difference in a career that fufills me?

I'm still unsure if more kids are in my future. Of course I want to get married one day. No one wants to die alone. But I know there are other things I can do in my life to fufill me. I really love being a dog mom. Anyone that really knows me knows that I LOVE my dog. I miss Cruz even 5 minutes after I leave him. Work also fulfills me. I know I couldn't be a stay at home mom. I have so much respect for them because it's a job I could not do. I love being out and making my own money. Olivia fulfills me. My goal for the future is to be her fairy birthmother. I want to be someone that spoils her rotten and goes to mommy when she is out of hand. (Sorry Amy). But I also want her to call me when she needs someone else to talk to, when she feels like she can't talk to her mom. My aunt Jan was such a great role model for me. She always encouraged me to do whatever I wanted and I could call her and talk to her at any time of the night without judgement. She's the one I called when my first boyfriend dumped me, and when I smoked pot for the first time (and hated it). She took me to my first facial and bought me a book every summer. One summer she bought me a backstreet boys book I was dying to have. It was a little more than she wanted to spend, and probably "frivolous" but she bought it and I still cherish it. She taught me to cook and sew and what it means to be patient. And as a child she never corrected me when I called her "uncle Jan". When she passed her best friend told me she would be so proud of me and that meant a lot. I'm hoping to be the aunt Jan to Olivia. I want her to grow up to be a strong wonderful woman and I'll do what I can to be that influence to her.

Some days I really do get stuck in a rut. Amy will send me a picture of Olivia smiling and it hits me that I won't have those moments. Oddly watching videos and seeing her with her brother does make the years go away and bring peace to my heart. More than anything I wanted her to be happy. She's so very loved. Watching funny things and reading inspirational quotes really help as well as always. I can say I've had more good days than bad lately and I'm so blessed to say that. Some women never move on from the grief of adoption. Luckily for me it's never goodbye. It's just see you later. And the time in between goes super fast. I hope we're always able to see each other as often. I know not everyone can have the adoption I have. But it has given me strength to move forward with my life. It helps me heal. Sometimes you just have to spend a whole night crying in bed. I just shut down and cry. I feel by putting my loved ones through my grief with me I'm dragging them into my problems and I'm not someone that likes to do that. I try to figure out my problems as quick and effective as I can. Lately it has really hit me that I've been through a lot of "trauma" this last 3 months. I've been through things that could easily destroy a person. Sometimes adoption does destroy a person. But it hasnt. I'm proud to say that I have been through this on my own and I'm still standing on my own two feet. It's humbling knowing I fulfilled someone's lifelong dreams of being a mom. Just a month prior to meeting Amy she had lost hope to adopting another child. But I feel so far from being a "hero". I feel so strong and that Iam proud of. Thinking about how far I've come has gotten me through hard days. It's not over. I've been told the first year is the hardest so I have no doubt that I'm in for more hard days. But I know I can do it. I've already been through the worst of it. Leaving the hospital empty handed. Not only did I have options as a scared, single pregnant woman, I have options now.

I love my adoption story and I hope my readers have enjoyed reading it. My hope for the adoption community and for any young woman in my shoes is to get rid of the stigma of adoption. And to give hope to the people that need it. Adoption is definitely the road less traveled in life. But sometimes paving your own path is more fun. Life is like a roller coaster. We never know what to expect for the next turn but we don't want to close our eyes or will miss the whole ride. We think we'll never recover from the ride but we are back on in minutes.