Wednesday, April 20, 2016

What I wish pepople knew about my adoption....

I've had the unfortunate "pleasure" of meeting a member of the westboro Baptist church lately (Not really but they were just as judgmental) So I'm taking a break from telling my story to break some myths/express my thoughts on why I chose adoption...

"You gave up your child because your selfish and irresponsible"

First off I DIDN'T give up anything. I cant wait for the day when people stop using that term. I may not have any rights as her mom but I didn't give up anything. And irresponsible?! I adult just about as much as an adult can adult. I work a full time job (and did until the day before Olivia arrived). I pay my bills, maintain my apartment and keep a dog alive.

As far as selfish...I thought of myself LAST when I made my adoption plan. I wanted Olivia to have a great life. Something I couldn't provide with my circumstances.

Financial reasons weren't the only reason I placed.

Olivia needs two parents. Point blank period. People that grew up with both parents know how important it is to have two adults. I couldn't be a female and male role model for her. I understand single mothers play that role every single day, but it was never something I wanted to bring a child into. I wanted Olivia to have every benefit of having both parents in a home. Her dad will be able to teach her things that her mom wont. And she will get to see what a functioning relationship looks like. She wont grow up to hate men because the other half of her bailed when she was created. She will always have someone there to kiss her boo boos, to listen when she needs advice, to watch her play sports. Her mom and dad will never have to tell her they cant take her prom dress shopping because they have to work. Or they cant make her field trip. She deserves to have two parents there for every moment.

"You didn't want her"

I have an open adoption because I want to see her grow. Ill always want to be there for her. Id always have questions, guilt and sadness if I chose a closed adoption.

"Your parents could have helped you."

Again they were a factor in my decision. I didn't want my parents to have to suffer from my actions. They would have done whatever they could have to help but they also support my decision 100 percent which I'm forever grateful for. I'm an adult and I should figure out what I'm going to do when big things happen to me. In this case I had to make a decision for a child that didn't have a say. I knew I would have to move back home. Not only would my parents be stressed, Olivia would suffer as well. My parents are about to be empty nesters. They shouldn't have to start over because I had an oopsy. They should be able to enjoy this time in their lives as well.

"But you have a dog..."

Really?! Because dogs need daycare and to be fed every 3 hours...No. They are a huge responsibility but a child needs round the clock care. I've actually met a lot of birth moms that became dog mommies after placing. They are great companions. I'll take the responsibility especially on those hard days when I can hug him. Dogs cant be compared to kids because they are two different categories.

"You're selfish"

Ill go a little more in depth here. If I was selfish, I would have lived my life like I wasn't pregnant. If I didn't care about the human growing inside of me, I would have still partied. I would have done what I wanted to meet my own needs. But I didn't. I ate whatever I craved because I knew that's what Olivia wanted. I loved her, protected her, talked to her, told her my fears. I told her I loved her everyday. I do. Getting pregnant wasn't on my "to do" list, but I would have done anything to have a healthy baby. And I worked my butt off to keep things going for us. I actually read something in cosmopolitan recently. This young woman had an abortion because her job as a waitress is physically demanding and she couldn't carry a child full term being on her feet. Awful. I didn't think about how hard it was to work normally being so pregnant but I did it anyway. I had quite a few mini breakdowns, but I wanted to be a good role model for Olivia.

Giving her up was easy

No. Just no. Leaving the hospital without the life I loved, took care of and protected for 9 months was hands down the hardest thing I ever did. I hope I never ever have to go through something so hard. I laid on the couch and cried for days. I still cry sometimes. I contemplated suicide. How could I move forward without her? Like I didn't give up on her, I couldn't give up on myself. I couldn't leave that legacy for her. Those 9 months changed me and how I have felt about kids and my future. I tried to mentally prepare myself for the sadness I'd feel once I left the hospital without her. But I couldn't fully prepare for it. Some days are a lot easier than others. Most of the time I feel like I could do anything. But its all for her. I want her to be proud of her birth mom. I want her to know how loved she was and is. How I wanted to keep her so bad but she wasn't my blessing to keep. It was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. But I know I would never forgive myself if I broke 3 hearts by deciding to keep her. I'd have to miss so many milestones to provide for her. That would have been very hard on me. And I know it would be so hard if I parented. I had to break my own heart for her to have a better life. Ive never felt a deeper love or heartbreak like I had. So it was so far from easy.

"You want validation"

That statement actually came from the only adoption agency I ever talked to. I don't like being told I'm a "hero'. I hate hearing great things. Really all I wanted to hear in the beginning is that I was making the right choice. I wanted to hear it from my parents. Not random people. Even though my intuition was telling me adoption was the only choice. I've never cared about what people think. I don't need people to kiss my butt to make me feel like a good person. Seeing how far I've come in my life makes me feel like a good person. Ive overcome a lot. I've worked really hard to be where I'm at. And adoption isn't about validation at all. I don't tell my story for a pat on the back. Or for sympathy.

Bottom line is its not easy to share this part of my life. People love to judge. They love to look down at someone from the tip of their nose. Many birth moms hide their story in fear. Luckily I don't care about peoples' petty opinion. They aren't living my life. I'm going to be a voice for adoption because we still have a long way to go.

"Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."