Thursday, March 31, 2016

It was all inside of you...

Months had past. No real symptoms of a pregnancy that stuck out to me. I've missed a few periods (blamed it on stress), sleeping a lot (work was demanding), and I did throw my brains up (poor diet/stress?) None of these symptoms really stuck out to me. Yes I was concerned that I was getting sick after every meal. But I was eating garbage in 100 degree weather. One of my doctor clients had mentioned getting my thyroid checked out. (HA!)

Finally around Halloween I told my mom what was going on. She suggested taking a pregnancy test. But why would I need to do that if I took plan b?! I'm NOT pregnant. Yeah she saw right through that like windex.

A few days later (November 2nd) I came to my senses and took a pregnancy test. I was NOT ready to see a positive pregnancy test. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt. Like being dead was a better option than having to figure out what to do next. What DO I do next?! I literally felt the color drain from my face. My whole world fell apart at that moment. My life was supposed to be like Carrie Bradshaw and now it's completely changed. I never ever EVER wanted kids. I hated them. And now I'm carrying one with no "baby daddy" in sight. What.a.mess.

I had called my mom first and broke the news. In the past she would be the last person I run to for a crisis because she didn't handle conflict well. Maybe it's because she expected it, but she was completely calm. How could she be so calm when my life is in shambles? I'm not ready to be a mom. And being a single mom would have been my worst nightmare.

That's when I decided abortion would have been my option.

The next morning I had called a few clinics to see if I was able to get one. Fortunately I was too far along. Did I feel great about considering abortion?! Absolutely not. I really thought about what happened during the process and it made me so sick to my stomach. I'd always assume abortion would of been my option. I could have it done quickly and quietly and go back to living "my" life with no guilt but a lot of shame.

In that moment of despair it's like God had put his hand on my shoulder and said you are going to place this child for adoption.

I knew very little of adoption. I had friends that were adopted. Even my stepdad adopted my sister and I as kids. I knew so little about it. But God had spoke so clearly to me at that point. He's never been so clear with any decision I've ever made.

I'll never give anyone else credit for my story but God. He has had his hand in every single detail of my life and I couldn't thank him enough. As I sat alone in my room, crying, he gave my life purpose and hope at that moment. I never had direction for my life until he planted the little seed in my stomach.  He saved my life at that point. Even when I thought it was over. I decided that I needed to be obedient and have faith. That I was going to carry this child. And answer the hard questions. Deal with some crap talking. Because it was a part of Gods plan. Whatever that was supposed to mean at that moment. I was petrified. Never more scared in my life. And I think I slept a total of 3 hours before having an even longer day at work. I was an emotional wreck.

Even through the time of darkness and despair, I'm forever grateful for Gods plan and that little jelly bean in my stomach. At 4 months along (yes 4). I had a direction and a plan laid out for me like I'd never ever imagine. I was pregnant. Scared. Alone. Broke. Hurt. Torn up inside. But God had a plan for me and this sweet little baby.

Finding out I was 4 months pregnant with no father figure was the scariest and (at the time) WORST time of my life.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Miss independent. Thats why I love her...

November 2nd is a day that will forever be burned in my memory. I'll never forget the day and the feelings like it was yesterday. But let me rewind to the time where my story really starts...

In june of 2015 I met P. Our time was really brief. It was a horrible time of my life. I confused love and attention. Attention is what P gave me. And I didn't care. I was a hard working, single, 28 year old pug momma. As independent as could be. I've had the same job for almost 8 years, I worked very very hard to have a life that looked good on the outside. But on the inside it was so far from what I was portraying. I wasn't in a good place at all. Sure I was "adulting". My bills were always paid at some point. I went to work and busted my butt. I kept a dog alive. Did I ever think about the future? What I really wanted out of life? Absolutely not. Sure I had an idea, but no real direction. Didn't know where to start or how to get there. I met P online like many people do now days. I wasn't sure if he was the "one". I didn't care. One thing led to another which led to a plan b purchase. Something I was very ashamed of. Yes I had "prevented" (or so I thought) a pregnancy. But I felt so shameful for letting this stranger use and disrespect me. I didn't have too long to dwell on my bad decisions because I went off to vegas with my crazy friends to make more bad decisions. And boy did I make them! I partied any thoughts of plan b or baby away! Yes I do realize now that my life could easily be a lifetime story. Of course P pulled away quickly. Do I blame him? No way. I wanted to ghost on myself at that point. And he got  what he wanted so why not?! I was having a blast with my friends. But the thought of the events prior to Vegas stayed in my head. I was absolutely NOT ready for a baby. Not with someone like him. Not at all. And it wouldn't be a possibility right?? I mean plan b is 99 percent effective right?  I decided at the end of the trip that P's phone number would be deleted since I needed nothing to do with someone like that. He didn't want a relationship with me. And I wouldnt become pregnant because we were smart and took an emergency contraception. It had to work.

I was so wrong,