Thursday, November 24, 2016

It's coming on Christmas.....

                       Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

It has been an eventful day of family debates, food, and fun. The holiday time is finally upon us and I'm excited/dreading it.

Last year was so different for me. I was pregnant and seemingly alone. I had very little support once some of my family members found out I chose not only adoption but open adoption (We had that lovely debate today.) Birth dad wasn't in the picture so it was so hard dealing with all of my feelings alone. Thanksgiving is around the time that I announced my pregnancy to family and started to get close to Olivia's parents. It was the worst holiday of my life. I get why the suicide rate is so high this time of the year. The holidays are meant to be filled with joy with family.

Fast forward a year later and it is different for me but some of the pain is still there. Instead of feeling guilt, shame and sadness for this unborn child, I'm missing this almost 9 month old gorgeous baby. It is her first christmas. Everyone my age is announcing pregnancies or having babies and it absolutely kills me sometimes. I cried myself to sleep last night. Sometimes we really don't understand why God puts us through trials. I still question why I'm the one that got pregnant. Especially in November with the holidays rolling around and adoption month. I see pictures of Olivia and her mom and I get jealous because they both look overjoyed and here I'am trying to piece my feelings back together even after 9 months. I cant wait until things really do get easier because post adoption grief is HARD.

BUT on the other side of the coin I'm so grateful and thankful that Olivia is loved and as happy as she is. I'm grateful that I do get to experience holidays with her. My whole extended family and I had the absolute pleasure having a family Thanksgiving two weeks ago. And in three short weeks I will be going to see her again for christmas. Olivia's parent's do not owe me that. They do not owe me anything. And the adoption paperwork says they can cut me out at any time. But they include me and I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful they see me as an extended part of their family and not just a birth mom. Despite my sadness and despair I think everyday that adoption was Olivia's benefit. Her little toofy smile shows that I made the right decision and I have to rest in that. This year's lessons has brought me many things to be thankful for so I should just focus on that. At the end of the day it is about Olivia and not me. And knowing that is what gets me through.

if you find yourself in a really hard position this holiday do not give up. Think of your blessings and surround yourself in them. God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. This trial might be what you need to shape you in to who you are. To change your life for the better. So focus on the positive and reach out to your support system when you need it! Hope everyone has an amazing thanksgiving full of food, love and adult beverages and no talks of politics, vaccine (yes it went there too), and anything else that should not be said at family gatherings.

Friday, November 11, 2016


It has been a minute since I've been able to blog! If anyone here follows me on social media then yall know its been a whirlwind of a semester. I've almost completed my first full semester back at school after 8 years, I tried to get on a tv show (I would totally do it all again in a heartbeat. In fact Call me!), I've watched my livi bug grow into a beautiful little girl (8 months old!! YES! *Ugly cries) and I found myself in a relationship with someone special. But if you guys follow me on my social media platforms then you all know that by now and thats not why I'm blogging.

I'm blogging today for a follow up to my last post. I've successfully been in a relationship for 3 months now. No fights, he hasn't made me cry, no breakups, no drama. Y'all might not think 3 months is a big deal but to me it's HUGE! I haven't had a serious relationship since high school. 10 years ago!! And if I did attempt to get into one since then it was a mess. Drama, tears and heartbreak after 2 weeks. Yeah I messed with alot of f*ckboys in my single time. I'm going to be honest here I got pregnant by one as well.

So what does that term mean? It mean's it is a guy that has no self respect or respect for you pretty lady. You can find him sleeping in at his moms house all day, unemployed or even working a job (not a career) to be able to fund his next pair of shoes, weed or night at the bar. He typically does not get into serious relationships because why would you when there are so many gorgeous woman out there that want to chase you? I chased alot of these boys because just a little over a year ago it was "fun" to have something I couldn't have. I also didn't not love myself enough to walk away. I spent a lot of time in my twenties wishing for the right guy but having my heart broken instead...until this one guy.

I met this guy 3 months ago. Online like most people that hate the bar and want to meet someone with substance. I had told myself that I was done until after college if this didn't work out. After a summer of a few more flings I was DONE meeting guys that were nice to look at but emotionally unavalible. I had promised Olivia's parents that i would value myself enough to not settle for chasing the wrong guy anymore. I mean yes I do have to be a good role model for Olivia in aspects including dating.

So what did I do differently you ask? I started to love and respect myself. After my adoption experience I told myself that I deserve a king to match my life. I DO have a lot to offer now so I should not settle for someone that can't offer anything to me. I changed how I dressed and viewed myself. I did not go home with the man (and yes he is a man. Know the difference ladies) on the first date. I also dress differently since I'am a "mother" in an aspect now. In a time where everyone says put it all on social media and show off what your mama gave ya, I'd love to disagree. As a lover of social media I see it all too much. I'am not here to bash those girls because it is what they choose but it isn't for me. I did get rid of clothes that showed too much. My body is different yes, but I'am almost 30 and wearing something so low that my boobs hang out, or posing in my underwear on instagram is unacceptable. Above all I made it clear to my boyfriend that I was looking for a relationship and not to play around. I was also open about my experience in adoption and being a birth mom. Sooner than later. And he actually supports that aspect in my life. That is how I really know I have a keeper.

So to all of my single ladies out there PUH-LEASE stop chasing the jerks. Rule of thumb is if you are the one doing most of the leg work in the beginning, if he doesn't take out (Or at least cook you dinner. I know we are all on a budget), and if he causes you pain and tears. RUN. If he doesn't pressure you to have sex, listens to you when you have a bad day, and goes out of his way to find ways to take care of you then keep him!! There is someone out there for everyone and when you expect to find a good man (yes I said it again), then you WILL!

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Down in a hole, losing my soul...

Summer time is just about over and the fall semester has started...Somehow I've survived this far without losing it...somehow...But today I want to talk about something we all do on a daily basis...Something that has consumed me lately....Comparison..

Why do we compare ourselves to others base on social media? I'm going to be honest and real. I got caught up in everyone else's summer fun and their lives that it made me very sad. I questioned why I was going to school, why wasn't my life as glamorous, and why wasn't I having fun instead of working and going to school? I work full time and I'm going to school so I deserve to have a life that looks good on the 'gram, right? But I do have a life that looks good and feels good to me! Why is it so hard to see that?

I see people that always look so put together. They seem to have a new outfit all of the time. People that "work hard and play hard" and are always out having fun. I had a moment of self hate getting ready for a date and realizing that I don't have social media worthy clothes. That I'm a tshirt and jeans girl and there is little chances of changing. I almost didn't even want to go on this date, even though this guy is pretty awesome. I, for a short moment, hated myself for not having something to brag about. But I do have things to brag about! Like juggling school and a full time job with dating, the cutest 6 month old girl I love more than anything, and a fur baby that absolutely keeps me on my toes. So why do I envy people on social media? After all its a snippet of someone's life. Only the best parts. They still struggle with everyday things that we don't exactly want to see. No one wants to air out their life struggles,. Except for me. Because social media shouldn't only be used to share the good times, it should be used for the bad times too. Because we are real people. And I'm about as real as it gets.

So today, and this semester, I'm going to step away from the social media once in a while, stop comparing my life to others, and start enjoying my own blessings right in front of me. Because one day I'll look back and miss this time of my life.

"The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it."

How do you handle envy/self comparison on social media?

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Why can't I breath whenever I think about you?

        It's Saturday night. I "should" be at the bar right? Nope I'm home having a chick flick marathon. I decided to watch 13 going on 30 because well we all loved that movie when it came out. It was cute. The perfect romantic comedy. Girl has perfect best friend, wants to be popular, gets popular and realizes her best friend was the perfect guy for her that treats her the way every girl wants to be treated.

           It had me thinking.

     I've been thinking a lot about my "relationship status" lately and this definitely does not help. Dating is so complicated these days. It isn't the same as getting lucky and meeting your spouse in high school, at college, some random bar, or through friends. You really have to try to meet people. Or you end up single. Like me. And when you do meet people, or reconnect with people that you are interested in, they end up blowing your phone up at 3am after a night of drinking.

      Why is that? Why is our dating culture a "Netflix and chill" culture? A hook up culture? It baffles me.

      I'm told almost daily to "never settle". But if I settle for a hook up when I know and want better for the sake of being the "cool collective girl" isn't that settling? Isn't that what I'm told not to do? All of the time I'm being told to not expect anything. Not to have feelings. As a boss woman that I'am other boss women tell us it isn't cool to have feelings or to want to fall in love or have the love we deserve. I call crap on that. I know many men and woman that desire to fall in love with their best friend, have a family, have life experiences but we are told to accept Netflix and chill and go with the flow. We are told to not have feelings, to work to have money and obtain "things" to impress others and stay single until the right person just falls into our laps. I'm almost 30, a workaholic and a homebody. I think the chances of meeting someone in the produce area of a grocery store are slim. And quite honestly I deserve way more than the 5 (!!!) missed calls at 3am. I'm a boss chick. I work extremely hard for what I have, I'm much more kinder than I used to be (amazing how life experiences do that), and I love BIG. I've been told countless times that life isn't a romantic comedy. WHY NOT?! That's right because popular movies like "train wreck" and "knocked up" says its OK to hook up. Its OK to settle for sex because he will fall in love with you. WRONG.  Even if I die alone, Id rather die knowing I didn't give in to just being a piece of booty. Id be satisfied knowing I was capable of loving someone the way I would want to be loved.

      Before anyone thinks this is a gripe fest about being single, it"s so far from that. This is a challenge for men and women to start valuing themselves more. To treat others with respect and really think about what they want. Men, would you want your daughters settling for being a booty call? And women, would you want your son to be a heart breaker that uses and abuses women? Even as a birthmom I think about the kind of influence I have on Olivia. I didn't place her for adoption to let her see that love doesn't exist and its all about empty sex and broken hearts. I challenge our generation to date again. To have a heart. To turn off Netflix, keep your clothes on and actually have dates. To get to know someone and to treat them for the gold they are.


Monday, July 18, 2016

I found a reason for living, found a reason to love again...

Today I was blessed with the privilege of going to Olivia's 4 month doctors appointment! It was an amazing experience. The doctor said she will be a little one, but she is way ahead developmentally. That makes me so very proud. She's only 4 months old and rolls over on her own and rolls back to her back on her own as well. She is a sweet happy little soul. But since she had to have shots, she experienced all of the emotions a woman experiences in a day, in one hour! After Amy and I were able to have lunch and to gush over how cute and smart Olivia is.

I often think about the night I found out I was pregnant. Especially since it has been a year since Olivia was conceived. When I made a plan to place this sweet baby, I was hoping to see her 4 times a year max. I didn't know anything about open adoption. And I thought "open" meant very few visits and lots of pictures. I prayed I could at least spend holidays with her. I didn't want to just hand off this child and run. I wanted to make sure she was as loved and taken care of. I didn't think our adoption plan would mean going to doctors appointments, monthly visits, and even pictures of Olivia eating oatmeal. I knew I'd sacrifice almost everything for the sake of this child. But with our adoption plan I really don't. I would have missed everything to provide for this baby if I parented. And she wouldn't have had as many people to love her. She would have missed a lot of chances to be successful, and I would have missed a huge part of her life. Our adoption plan is better than what I prayed for. Adoption isn't about giving up. Its about love and sacrifice but never giving up anything.

This beautiful girl adds so much to my life. I love having an event to look forward to every month. Because going to see her is a huge deal. I never thought I'd be here a year ago. But I wouldn't trade it. Even through the nights that I cry and I miss her. The nights that I wish I could smell her baby smell, kiss those chubby cheeks, and hear her "talk". I pray for more of those times all of the time. I miss her and think about her every single day. And I will until I die. I will always cherish our relationship and try to be there for her, even when she doesn't think she needs me. I will always need her. Adoption doesn't come without pain, unfortunately. I struggle with it a lot. But its the visits that remind me of HOW blessed I'am. Blessed to have a tiny girl that I can love, and blessed to have a family that I can call family. Amy encourages me to be better and do better in my life. My love for those people has so far taught me to never settle for mediocre. That Iam enough and deserve to be loved fully. Olivia has truly taught me what unconditional, selfless love is.

If you are a young, single, and pregnant woman out there searching for answers, please really think about adoption. Not only just that but open adoption. It is so beautiful. Painful yes. But its worth it. Open adoption works for all 3 parts of the triad and I'm living proof. Consider it. Research it. Love your baby and think about their future. It is the harder road less traveled. Its not for everyone, But I'm SO very grateful that it was the road for me!!

Friday, July 8, 2016

Back to school, Back to school. To prove to dad that I'm not a fool...

This week marks the end of my first class back in school! Luckily I made a B. Now I'm sad that this class is over because it was so fun and felt that I learned more about the field I'm majoring in. Not gonna lie, school and work is completely kicking my butt this summer. Not sure I'll ever do a summer class AGAIN. And I've been working 40 or more hours (like this week.) I try NOT to complain because it's better to be a busy girl than a broke girl. But there doesn't feel like there is enough hours in the day. Most days I'm lucky if I get hours of sleep. Doing my make up, cleaning my apartment regularly and having fun is out the window. But they said it will be "worth it".....

It is HARD to balance it all. In fact I've been dealing with the good ol' grief again lately because I'am so busy and so so tired (hashtag College life). I have been missing Olivia so much lately. Especially at night. I find myself crying a lot easier. I even cried at work today. (But thank you to some of my favorite people for hugging me. I needed that). I need to cry sometimes. I don't want to. But I need to. And it would be awesome if I was hugged while I cried. I just forget that I have been through something so huge the last year. I try SO hard to be Wonder Woman that I force myself to forget that I'm not exactly who I was a year ago and I do have feelings. Before I rarely cried. And I thought I gave up this crying business when I decided to start kicking butt in my own life. But lately my life is kicking my butt. Bad. Not saying that going through school, working full time, and a new adoption plan is impossible. It is possible. It just wont be easy. I constantly question my life. Seeing people graduate college, pursue careers they love, have babies, get engaged and married totally makes me question everything. It makes me question how did I come out of this year whole? I'm not. I made it. But I'm so far from "healed" and that's ok. I accept it. I embrace it. And its the right step forward. I guess throwing myself head first into a crap storm is my way of handling my grief. Honestly I feel selfish for crying. Olivia has everything I wanted for her and more. She has the better life I've dreamed for her. I just miss her so so so much. Every single day. And I think about her every single day. I think about this past year often. Maybe over time I wont think about it as much. I had a conversation with a young lady and she asked if I had kids. Of course like I do so often, I told her no (because society, myself and other birth moms tell me I'm not a mom. And she isn't my daughter). But I decided to come clean. She is a single mother. And that's something I feared so much. Being judged by single moms. She told me she would rather abort her child than watch someone else raise her. Man that was the most backwards thing I ever heard but I understood it. But school wouldn't be possible if I parented as a single parent. Olivia wouldn't have had the best chance at life. The girl and I talked about school and I listened to her give me reasons why she couldn't go back despite wanting to. I wanted Olivia to see that college is a priority. In most countries women stop going to school in middle school to become child brides. I did not want that to be Olivia. So I had to break my heart for her sake. Don't get me wrong. I have NO regrets this year. I wouldn't change anything. I don't want to take anything away from Amy (You are on your own with the spanking and grounding Amy). She is happy. She is loved and well taken care of. I'am so lucky to play such a big role in her life. I'am so lucky I get to squeeze her in 2 weeks. Amy didn't rob me of anything. I made the decision to give her more than I could provide at this time in my life. It just unfortunately does not take away the heart ache. Or the fact that I miss her so much that I cry in public. That some days I don't feel I deserve to even be called her "mother". That sometimes, but rarely, do I even deserve a chance to better my life. I miss her like the desert misses rain. So I throw myself into school and work. I throw on my Wonder Woman uniform and do the damn thang. I become an advocate for birthmoms. For women. I try to empower women. I try to empower myself. It's not easy, but I hope its worth it. Despite the tears I think it has been.

How do you cope with sadness? And how do you balance it all when you want to 'do it all'?

Friday, June 24, 2016

The pros and cons of a private adoption

Since my adoption was private, I figured I'd compile a list of pro's and con's of a private adoption. As my readers know my adoption was private. I did talk to an agency but it didn't work out and God, as usual, had his own plans. Glory to him!!


I don't have an agency dictating how often I see Olivia or how open my adoption is.

Before I'm being ripped a new one, let me have my say. The one agency I talked to said I would be lucky to find a family that allows 4 visits a year. How would I know if it were the family or really the agency that would allow that much contact? I know a lot of agencies are pro open adoption and some even don't play a factor in that. I know of a wonderful young woman with a similar adoption plan. She went through an agency. It just worked out better for me.

We were matched by someone I knew and trusted.

How cool is it that I can say Amy and Brandon were handpicked just for me?! God knew they were meant to be Olivia's parents. But it was so awesome to know I was matched by my boss. Someone I have been employed by for 8 years. Someone that I admired and trusted. She understood and supported what I wanted in an open adoption. I had asked her for information of other couples just to be sure. She was very hesistant because I think she knew all along that Olivia was meant to be with Amy and Brandon.

The adoption was affordable for Amy and Brandon

They didn't have to pay an agency a huge bill to adopt Olivia. I'm sure some people would question if Amy and Brandon could financially care for a kid if they couldn't put up a lot of money up front. It wasn't impossible for them. It just wasn't nessecary. And now they can spend money doing things with the family instead of worrying about how to make it a possibility financially. People fundraise now or even take out loans because adoptions have become so expensive, More people also turn to social media in hopes of privately adopting to avoid the high cost. I still get inquiries for a baby.  It's just too danged expensive!!


I was "stuck" with a social worker that didn't know me or the situation.

Our story isn't typical. Many people, including employees in the industry, don't understand that. I had a horrible social worker. It was like working with jekell and hyde. She was sweet and supposedly my "advocate" but stressed me so bad on the last day in the hospital that I broke down in front of family. I couldn't enjoy my last day with Livi because she wanted the mountain of paperwork signed asap so she could leave early (my adoption took place on a Friday). So inconsiderate. And she had the nerve to try to kick Amy out because I was so stressed. An agency provides a social worker that is hopefully sensitive to birthmoms needs and the situation. She was not. It still angers me. Adoption is already such a sensitive time and there is no room for pressure, insensitivity or pushiness. Hopefully she learns that she needs to respect people in all situations. I mean it is her job for crying out loud!!

Amy could have taken Livi and ran

We had nothing on paper about visits, pictures, holidays etc. A few people were concerned Amy was going to take back her word and cut me out. Unfortunately some adoptive parents do this because they aren't EDUCATED. Its heartbreaking. For the child and birthmom. I knew Amy would keep her word. I built a relationship with her. Any human wouldn't even have the conscience to make empty promises and run. Our communication isn't as much as when I was pregnant. I think we texted non stop everyday. But that's ok! Life happens. Shes a mom of 2 babies. We still communicate almost everyday along with pictures. Especially now that I'm in school, Amy continues to be a sister figure to me, my hero and role model. I trust her. And I trust her to keep her word. End of story!!

Your on your own financially on maternity leave

An agency can pay for living expenses and food while off of work. But adoptive parents cant help financially. It was a huge fear for me. Not only because I HATE saving (future blog post?) but because I didn't know what kind of birth Id have and how long I would be off of work. God handled it though. It all goes back to trusting him when I found out I was pregnant. Trusting his plan for me and babygirl. Now Oliva is a BEAUTIFUL 3 month old and I'm a college girl working 6 days a week. It all worked out. From my pregnancy to life after adoption. God could have made my life so hard because I chose to not live his way. But my God is full of so much grace for sinners like me. He made me realize why he truly gave his life. Not so I can make mistakes on purpose. But to prosper in hard times. To make something beautiful out of such a dark time. I absolutely love being a birthmom and seeing that princess grow. I LOVE IT.

School and adoption is such a new time for me but I'm getting the hang of it. Adjusting to my new normal. Even in the times of uncertinity, seeing that little girl thrive where shes at fills my heart in a new kind of way. I don't regret a THING. I miss her every single day. EVERYDAY. But shes happy. That's all I could of asked for.

Birthmoms/adoptive parents Was your adoption through an agency or private? Was there anything that made that experience better or worse? I love connecting with both sides of the story so please share!! Yall can also email me at if you are uncomfortable about posting in public. I understand.

As always thank you for reading!!

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

The pro's and con's of open adoption

When I was pregnant and deciding on my option, I was so clueless. I didn't know anything about adoption. Uneducated. Abortion was my first thought because people willingly talk about their experiences. I didn't know anything about adoption. I'm going to share my thoughts on the pro's and con's on open adoption. For anyone that is searching for answers for "what's next" or just looking for perspective.


A child will know where they come from.
Olivia will have any questions answered. She'll know where she gets certain habits from. She'll know who Iam. She won't feel like something is missing.

I get I get to watch her grow.
Equally I get to see what she inherits from me in traits. I'll never question if she's being loved enough or taken care of. A piece of my heart isn't missing because I didn't "give up" my baby.

I gained family
Olivia has two moms without divorce. I gained a family without getting married. There is so much love between us all.

Olivia is more loved
There is more people to love on her. It takes a village to raise a kid. And I'm all for love and many people living a child.

I don't feel the need to rush big decisions 
With this I mean marriage and kids. I'm really unsure if I'll have more kids. But with Olivia and her brother I get to love on two kids like they are my own. I get to share the joy and love of children. I don't feel like I have a "timer" because I can say I've had a child.

I can pursue a fufilling future for myself
I can do anything. And since I've had Olivia, I feel limitless. I can make my life better for future kids, a husband and myself. It's something I don't take for granted anymore


Sometimes feelings will be hurt 
I'm definitely an over thinker. When Amy is quiet, I freak out and overthink. Did I say something wrong? Is she mad at me? It was very difficult for us post placement because I couldn't handle my grief. It was hard for Amy to bond with Olivia without feeling like she stole something from me. She had to pull away a little and it hurt! But we definitely keep the lines of communication open and I've learned to handle my grief.

I miss her everyday
I'm in a great place right now so my emotions are easily controlled. But in the beginning, the pictures were HARD! I miss her smell, and the baby noises. Omg. But even if my emotions are in check, I miss her every single day. And I always will. There isn't a day that k don't think about her.

I won't come first in her life 
Even with the amazing relationship I hope we have, she will always prefer mom over me. But that's ok. God had called Amy to take over a job I wasn't prepared for. I want Amy to get every bit of credit she deserves.

Despite belief that open adoptions "confuse" or "overwhelms" a child, it doesn't.  My heart and Olivia's heart is filled. With love, hope and happiness. We will have a bond. I absolutely do not regret my open adoption even in the time that it hurts. It doesn't hurt enough to close the adoption. I love her way too much.

hould not be asking who this child belongs to, but who belongs to this child.” –James L. Gritter

Friday, June 3, 2016

I'm just beginning, pen in my hand, ending unplanned...

It's officially been 3 months since my placement. 3 of the longest and slowest months of my life.  I've survived it so far.

Each day brings something new. Some days I'm "normal" and ok and some days I have no motivation to get out of bed. Most days have been easy for me to slap a smile on my face. It gets a little easier everyday. I try to just stay as busy as possible most of the time. I've been really busy with work and being a few days away from starting school so I have a lot to look forward to.

The best advice my counselor gave me was to make goals for myself and my future. My goals for the year 29 of my life are to take care of my health better (get that pesky dental work done), pay off a portion of my debt, lose some weight and save money so I can travel when I turn 30. I already feel a lot of pressure to go ahead and start working on my goals. I don't want another year to pass without accomplishing anything. Since having Olivia it has made me realize that I did need to grow up and think about what I really wanted for the future. That's my advice to any woman in her 20's. Think about what you want for the next year, 5, 10 and plus. Tomorrow will come and go just as quickly. The things that are "important" now will be there tomorrow. I never thought about life besides shopping and bars. Because Carrie Bradshaw does both constantly. But she still has a great career to support that! Now it's time for me to think about what I really want to do in my career. Do I want to be a stylist on my feet forever repeating the same thing day after day? Or do I want to make a difference in a career that fufills me?

I'm still unsure if more kids are in my future. Of course I want to get married one day. No one wants to die alone. But I know there are other things I can do in my life to fufill me. I really love being a dog mom. Anyone that really knows me knows that I LOVE my dog. I miss Cruz even 5 minutes after I leave him. Work also fulfills me. I know I couldn't be a stay at home mom. I have so much respect for them because it's a job I could not do. I love being out and making my own money. Olivia fulfills me. My goal for the future is to be her fairy birthmother. I want to be someone that spoils her rotten and goes to mommy when she is out of hand. (Sorry Amy). But I also want her to call me when she needs someone else to talk to, when she feels like she can't talk to her mom. My aunt Jan was such a great role model for me. She always encouraged me to do whatever I wanted and I could call her and talk to her at any time of the night without judgement. She's the one I called when my first boyfriend dumped me, and when I smoked pot for the first time (and hated it). She took me to my first facial and bought me a book every summer. One summer she bought me a backstreet boys book I was dying to have. It was a little more than she wanted to spend, and probably "frivolous" but she bought it and I still cherish it. She taught me to cook and sew and what it means to be patient. And as a child she never corrected me when I called her "uncle Jan". When she passed her best friend told me she would be so proud of me and that meant a lot. I'm hoping to be the aunt Jan to Olivia. I want her to grow up to be a strong wonderful woman and I'll do what I can to be that influence to her.

Some days I really do get stuck in a rut. Amy will send me a picture of Olivia smiling and it hits me that I won't have those moments. Oddly watching videos and seeing her with her brother does make the years go away and bring peace to my heart. More than anything I wanted her to be happy. She's so very loved. Watching funny things and reading inspirational quotes really help as well as always. I can say I've had more good days than bad lately and I'm so blessed to say that. Some women never move on from the grief of adoption. Luckily for me it's never goodbye. It's just see you later. And the time in between goes super fast. I hope we're always able to see each other as often. I know not everyone can have the adoption I have. But it has given me strength to move forward with my life. It helps me heal. Sometimes you just have to spend a whole night crying in bed. I just shut down and cry. I feel by putting my loved ones through my grief with me I'm dragging them into my problems and I'm not someone that likes to do that. I try to figure out my problems as quick and effective as I can. Lately it has really hit me that I've been through a lot of "trauma" this last 3 months. I've been through things that could easily destroy a person. Sometimes adoption does destroy a person. But it hasnt. I'm proud to say that I have been through this on my own and I'm still standing on my own two feet. It's humbling knowing I fulfilled someone's lifelong dreams of being a mom. Just a month prior to meeting Amy she had lost hope to adopting another child. But I feel so far from being a "hero". I feel so strong and that Iam proud of. Thinking about how far I've come has gotten me through hard days. It's not over. I've been told the first year is the hardest so I have no doubt that I'm in for more hard days. But I know I can do it. I've already been through the worst of it. Leaving the hospital empty handed. Not only did I have options as a scared, single pregnant woman, I have options now.

I love my adoption story and I hope my readers have enjoyed reading it. My hope for the adoption community and for any young woman in my shoes is to get rid of the stigma of adoption. And to give hope to the people that need it. Adoption is definitely the road less traveled in life. But sometimes paving your own path is more fun. Life is like a roller coaster. We never know what to expect for the next turn but we don't want to close our eyes or will miss the whole ride. We think we'll never recover from the ride but we are back on in minutes.

Friday, May 20, 2016

It's almost time to go and meet your mom...

Delivery date was upon us! I was feeling a lot of mixed feelings at that time. Excited and ready to meet Olivia and to not be pregnant anymore, but nervous, scared and sad as well. I didn't know what to expect from the delivery process. Only horror stories I've heard most of my life. And I was still trying to mentally prepare myself for the grief. I questioned if I was strong enough to go home empty handed.

I was admitted to the hospital on March 1st to induce early on march 2nd. And let me start by saying the night nurse was awful. Her first question was "So you're going to give up your baby?" She obviously didn't have a lot of experience with adoption. I explained our situation and she still wasn't the kindest woman on the planet. And spoiler alert, she was SO rough during the process. It was so awful.

I was given the strip of Pitocin and some wonderful ambien. Probably the best sleep I got in a long while was the night before. Olivia had other plans though. For some reason her heart decelerated twice so I had to get on all fours and breath through an oxygen mask. It was very scary. I was pretty much asleep the second time it happened. The nurse panicked and I had to move fast which caused me to get nervous. I had no clue what was going on! Luckily her heartbeat became regular.

The next day was just full of waiting. To my surprise I could get my epidural pretty much as soon as the labor process started so best believe I took it! I always thought it would be so painful but it wasn't so bad because you don't see the needle which is awesome. I hate needles. And my mom was there to hold my hand so that made it better of course.

I was super blessed to be able to spend the WHOLE day just hanging out in the delivery room with almost all of my family. The only thing that was tough was not being able to eat while everyone ate in front of me!! It was tough. But it was so awesome to spend it surrounded by the people I loved the most. Pain free!! God bless that epidural!

I went into the hospital dialaeted at 3cm (Thank God for those 40 hour work weeks leading up to delivery day! They paid off.) But within an hour I went from 5cm to 9 so it was time to push! That part was so hard. I wanted to scream and just give up but I pushed and pushed but didn't say a word. I knew if I screamed or groaned that would take my energy and I needed it. I was determined to delivery vaginally if possible. I started pushing around 5 and pushed for 2 hours before my midwife had to call the doctor to perform a four sep. I couldn't look. It was so scary. And the thought of having salad tongs by my whoo ha was scary.

Before delivery day Amy and I discussed who would be in the room with me. I knew from the very start that I couldn't NOT want her in the room with me. She had to be there for the birth of her child. And I'm so glad she was there. For someone that has never witnessed a birth before, she did amazing! She cheered me on and encouraged me for 2 hours. Brandon wanted to be in the room but midwife only allowed 3 people and I knew I had to have my mom and sister there. But honestly I don't think he wanted to see any of that!! I didn't. And I wouldn't want to if it was my sister having the baby. And there's absolutely no modesty in the delivery room. It's not like how its portrayed in the movies at all. Maybe I'll feel differently next time, but it would feel weird to have my husband in the room. Its hard and its gory. But I felt SO much empowerment by having the most influential women holding my leg and my hand and cheering me on through the whole rough process.

Finally at 7:37 Olivia Diane was born at 6 pounds 4 oz and 19 and a half inches of pure adorableness. I've always disliked kids and been so afraid of babies, but it was a different new kind of feeling. Like a euphoria. Maybe it was because I was tired, or hangry, or drugged up. But I fell so in love with that baby for the first time. I held her at arms length the whole pregnancy and now I couldn't help but fall in love with her. She had the most beautiful brown curious eyes and my lips. Amy stayed with me the first night and we couldn't sleep. I loved seeing how everyone fell in love with this tiny little new human.

We had 2 wonderful but hard days in the hospital. It was easy to be a single mom when the nurses take the baby to the nursery so you could sleep. I tried as hard as I could to stay awake as long as possible so I could soak up every moment as just "mom". But by the end of the day it really started to hit me that our time was running out and I would have to sign papers and leave empty handed. It was not a fond memory at all. I don't want to remember those times as times where I cried at the drop of a hat. The paperwork was so overwhelming and social workers didn't care if I felt overwhelmed and wanted time alone with Olivia and Amy. That's one of the few drawbacks of a private adoption. I had a stranger as a social worker that didn't know me or wasn't sensitive to me as a birth mom even though the hospital claimed to be birth mom advocates. The bad experiences are one of the reasons why I want to be so open about our story. They should know how to handle those situations and its so disappointing that they don't.

Amy and Brandon's lawyer said this is the first time he has seen an adoption be so loving and peaceful. Usually it wasn't such a good situation. But as I signed the 50 million papers and cried hysterically, I only thought of my promise I made to Olivia to place her in the arms of parents that could provide her the life that I couldn't. Absolutely HARDEST thing I've ever done and hope to never go through something so hard. There was no way I could smile or laugh. All I wanted to do was cry. I didn't know how I was going to move forward at that point. I had to but I didn't know where to start. I couldn't have changed my mind though. My parents would have supported me. It would have been just as hard as placing though. I know I would have had many break downs trying to care for a newborn on my own. And I didn't want to break Amy and Brandon's heart either. For 4 months we all prepared for the arrival of their daughter. I couldn't change my mind for my own selfish reasons. More than anything I wanted to but it wasn't the plan and purpose God had for me.

As I left the hospital a nurse told me that I was brave and that it was something she couldn't have ever done 10 years ago. And now that I've been through the fire I know adoption isn't for everyone. Its not everyone's plans like it was mine.

I was determined to move forward and heal so I could go back to work in 2 weeks. I gave myself 2 days to cry on the couch and talk myself out of all the negative and suicidal thoughts I had. I didn't know how to live without the baby I created. Spending 9 months with your body saying you are going to be a mom but your mind saying no is difficult. So I did what every other crazy stubborn person would do and took cruz to the dog park 2 days post partum. NOT the best idea but I was so determined to feel like me again. Cruz was and is my therapy. He was there to make me laugh when I felt sad and when I needed the tears to be wiped away. He was so cuddly. Almost like he knew I was feeling grief and pain. Those 2 weeks were so hard with no distractions. But I did some amazing things to really move forward in that time period. I registered for school again. That was the highlight of my maternity leave. Olivia for sure made me grow up and I started to see my priorities since having her. My future was going to start being a priority along with school and finally getting into my passion of....criminal justice and psychology with a possible minor in sociology. No idea where God will take me next but its time to stop living my life through forensic files. Whether its getting into forensics or counseling other women going through crisis pregnancies, well see where God wants me next.

But I will say for now, in the famous words of Sheryl Crow.....

"Everyday is a winding road."

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you

Telling my family my "situation" was so scary and something Ill never forget. Coleton's face was priceless. My dad just hugged me as I bawled my eyes out. He told me that we were going to turn the mistake into a blessing and celebrate this time in my life. My dad was so very supportive and Ill forever be so grateful for that.

So within the few days I scheduled an appointment with the only adoption agency I ever talked to. It did not go as well as Id hoped. They told me that I wanted validation, that my parents wouldn't be grandparents, and that they probably couldn't find a couple willing to have a very open adoption. It was so disappointing. I decided I'd be ok with 4 visits a year. Christmas, birthdays, and a few visits in between. Because I wasn't "giving up" a child. Id hoped the adoptive parents would be an extension to our family. Despite our families disappointment I had hope with the agency and just prayed we could find the parents for my little jelly bean.

My boss had told my franchise owner what was going on and my future plans for the baby. To my surprise she told me that they knew of a couple looking to have an open adoption. I was skeptical at first because I was very green to adoption and the different types. I decided to call her anyway and seek out information on this couple. I have worked for my franchise owner for almost 8 years so I trusted her and have always admired the family life that she has maintained. Working for this couple has opened a lot of doors for me and shaped me to be the independent, hard working lady that I am.

She told me the couple lived an hour and a half away (huge plus), they had a 1 1/2 year old, wife worked part time at a vet office and husband was an engineer. They are a little older than me and have been married for a while. I really liked everything I heard about them. Initially I wanted the baby to be an only child so he/she would be spoiled but that wasn't going to be a deal breaker for me. If they could be great parents to one child I had no doubt they could love and care for two. Amy had emailed me within minutes and I'm not going to lie that kind of impressed me. I had plans to grill her like a detective because this was a serious process. So I called Amy when I got off of work and we clicked instantly. We both had similar childhoods and she was so easy to talk to. It felt like talking to an old friend. The best part was they were willing to have a very open adoption! I texted my best friend and told him before I even called him that I felt like I found her parents.

Shortly after we me It was very nerve wracking but luckily my dad and sister went with me too. Their opinion really mattered to me because we are going to combine our families. And that's exactly what happened.

Soon Amy and I were texting every single day. It was so awesome. They went to doctors appointments with me, shopped for the nursery, even did a gender reveal and maternity pictures. Those were things I wouldn't have done by myself at this time. We celebrated the heck out of the baby and really built a relationship. And that's something I thank God for all of the time. I wanted Olivia's future parents to be a part of my pregnancy because its something Amy couldn't experience. And because they agreed to have a very open adoption with me. Id be missing out on parenthood. But as we grew closer they suggested we have once a month visits. And family night. It was a dream come true!! Everything we all prayed for. And they made a crisis pregnancy a beautiful thing all because of this little girl.

Of course I still dealt with sadness and guilt. I felt it a lot. But because of my support system and faith, my feelings subsided. And I always stayed completely honest with Amy. I had a lot of doubt closer to my due date. I know it scared the crap out of her. Its not easy hearing that theres a chance you wont get a baby. Our relationship gave me strength. I couldn't break 3 hearts because of my love for Amy and Olivia. I knew no matter what I had to break my own heart so that Olivia could have everything I couldn't provide.

Private adoptions can be tricky. You don't really have the "middle man" controlling how often birth mom sees the child or receives pictures. But it has worked out way better for us. Amy could have promised the world and taken it all away when she received the baby. I knew she wouldn't because I had so much trust in her. I felt like a surrogate through the rest of my pregnancy. Despite what people said. Because I would be missing the joy of parenthood. God knew what he was doing when he placed Amy and Brandon in my life. His touch was in every detail.

"We should not be asking who this child belongs to, but who belongs to this child"

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

What I wish pepople knew about my adoption....

I've had the unfortunate "pleasure" of meeting a member of the westboro Baptist church lately (Not really but they were just as judgmental) So I'm taking a break from telling my story to break some myths/express my thoughts on why I chose adoption...

"You gave up your child because your selfish and irresponsible"

First off I DIDN'T give up anything. I cant wait for the day when people stop using that term. I may not have any rights as her mom but I didn't give up anything. And irresponsible?! I adult just about as much as an adult can adult. I work a full time job (and did until the day before Olivia arrived). I pay my bills, maintain my apartment and keep a dog alive.

As far as selfish...I thought of myself LAST when I made my adoption plan. I wanted Olivia to have a great life. Something I couldn't provide with my circumstances.

Financial reasons weren't the only reason I placed.

Olivia needs two parents. Point blank period. People that grew up with both parents know how important it is to have two adults. I couldn't be a female and male role model for her. I understand single mothers play that role every single day, but it was never something I wanted to bring a child into. I wanted Olivia to have every benefit of having both parents in a home. Her dad will be able to teach her things that her mom wont. And she will get to see what a functioning relationship looks like. She wont grow up to hate men because the other half of her bailed when she was created. She will always have someone there to kiss her boo boos, to listen when she needs advice, to watch her play sports. Her mom and dad will never have to tell her they cant take her prom dress shopping because they have to work. Or they cant make her field trip. She deserves to have two parents there for every moment.

"You didn't want her"

I have an open adoption because I want to see her grow. Ill always want to be there for her. Id always have questions, guilt and sadness if I chose a closed adoption.

"Your parents could have helped you."

Again they were a factor in my decision. I didn't want my parents to have to suffer from my actions. They would have done whatever they could have to help but they also support my decision 100 percent which I'm forever grateful for. I'm an adult and I should figure out what I'm going to do when big things happen to me. In this case I had to make a decision for a child that didn't have a say. I knew I would have to move back home. Not only would my parents be stressed, Olivia would suffer as well. My parents are about to be empty nesters. They shouldn't have to start over because I had an oopsy. They should be able to enjoy this time in their lives as well.

"But you have a dog..."

Really?! Because dogs need daycare and to be fed every 3 hours...No. They are a huge responsibility but a child needs round the clock care. I've actually met a lot of birth moms that became dog mommies after placing. They are great companions. I'll take the responsibility especially on those hard days when I can hug him. Dogs cant be compared to kids because they are two different categories.

"You're selfish"

Ill go a little more in depth here. If I was selfish, I would have lived my life like I wasn't pregnant. If I didn't care about the human growing inside of me, I would have still partied. I would have done what I wanted to meet my own needs. But I didn't. I ate whatever I craved because I knew that's what Olivia wanted. I loved her, protected her, talked to her, told her my fears. I told her I loved her everyday. I do. Getting pregnant wasn't on my "to do" list, but I would have done anything to have a healthy baby. And I worked my butt off to keep things going for us. I actually read something in cosmopolitan recently. This young woman had an abortion because her job as a waitress is physically demanding and she couldn't carry a child full term being on her feet. Awful. I didn't think about how hard it was to work normally being so pregnant but I did it anyway. I had quite a few mini breakdowns, but I wanted to be a good role model for Olivia.

Giving her up was easy

No. Just no. Leaving the hospital without the life I loved, took care of and protected for 9 months was hands down the hardest thing I ever did. I hope I never ever have to go through something so hard. I laid on the couch and cried for days. I still cry sometimes. I contemplated suicide. How could I move forward without her? Like I didn't give up on her, I couldn't give up on myself. I couldn't leave that legacy for her. Those 9 months changed me and how I have felt about kids and my future. I tried to mentally prepare myself for the sadness I'd feel once I left the hospital without her. But I couldn't fully prepare for it. Some days are a lot easier than others. Most of the time I feel like I could do anything. But its all for her. I want her to be proud of her birth mom. I want her to know how loved she was and is. How I wanted to keep her so bad but she wasn't my blessing to keep. It was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. But I know I would never forgive myself if I broke 3 hearts by deciding to keep her. I'd have to miss so many milestones to provide for her. That would have been very hard on me. And I know it would be so hard if I parented. I had to break my own heart for her to have a better life. Ive never felt a deeper love or heartbreak like I had. So it was so far from easy.

"You want validation"

That statement actually came from the only adoption agency I ever talked to. I don't like being told I'm a "hero'. I hate hearing great things. Really all I wanted to hear in the beginning is that I was making the right choice. I wanted to hear it from my parents. Not random people. Even though my intuition was telling me adoption was the only choice. I've never cared about what people think. I don't need people to kiss my butt to make me feel like a good person. Seeing how far I've come in my life makes me feel like a good person. Ive overcome a lot. I've worked really hard to be where I'm at. And adoption isn't about validation at all. I don't tell my story for a pat on the back. Or for sympathy.

Bottom line is its not easy to share this part of my life. People love to judge. They love to look down at someone from the tip of their nose. Many birth moms hide their story in fear. Luckily I don't care about peoples' petty opinion. They aren't living my life. I'm going to be a voice for adoption because we still have a long way to go.

"Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."

Thursday, March 31, 2016

It was all inside of you...

Months had past. No real symptoms of a pregnancy that stuck out to me. I've missed a few periods (blamed it on stress), sleeping a lot (work was demanding), and I did throw my brains up (poor diet/stress?) None of these symptoms really stuck out to me. Yes I was concerned that I was getting sick after every meal. But I was eating garbage in 100 degree weather. One of my doctor clients had mentioned getting my thyroid checked out. (HA!)

Finally around Halloween I told my mom what was going on. She suggested taking a pregnancy test. But why would I need to do that if I took plan b?! I'm NOT pregnant. Yeah she saw right through that like windex.

A few days later (November 2nd) I came to my senses and took a pregnancy test. I was NOT ready to see a positive pregnancy test. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt. Like being dead was a better option than having to figure out what to do next. What DO I do next?! I literally felt the color drain from my face. My whole world fell apart at that moment. My life was supposed to be like Carrie Bradshaw and now it's completely changed. I never ever EVER wanted kids. I hated them. And now I'm carrying one with no "baby daddy" in sight. What.a.mess.

I had called my mom first and broke the news. In the past she would be the last person I run to for a crisis because she didn't handle conflict well. Maybe it's because she expected it, but she was completely calm. How could she be so calm when my life is in shambles? I'm not ready to be a mom. And being a single mom would have been my worst nightmare.

That's when I decided abortion would have been my option.

The next morning I had called a few clinics to see if I was able to get one. Fortunately I was too far along. Did I feel great about considering abortion?! Absolutely not. I really thought about what happened during the process and it made me so sick to my stomach. I'd always assume abortion would of been my option. I could have it done quickly and quietly and go back to living "my" life with no guilt but a lot of shame.

In that moment of despair it's like God had put his hand on my shoulder and said you are going to place this child for adoption.

I knew very little of adoption. I had friends that were adopted. Even my stepdad adopted my sister and I as kids. I knew so little about it. But God had spoke so clearly to me at that point. He's never been so clear with any decision I've ever made.

I'll never give anyone else credit for my story but God. He has had his hand in every single detail of my life and I couldn't thank him enough. As I sat alone in my room, crying, he gave my life purpose and hope at that moment. I never had direction for my life until he planted the little seed in my stomach.  He saved my life at that point. Even when I thought it was over. I decided that I needed to be obedient and have faith. That I was going to carry this child. And answer the hard questions. Deal with some crap talking. Because it was a part of Gods plan. Whatever that was supposed to mean at that moment. I was petrified. Never more scared in my life. And I think I slept a total of 3 hours before having an even longer day at work. I was an emotional wreck.

Even through the time of darkness and despair, I'm forever grateful for Gods plan and that little jelly bean in my stomach. At 4 months along (yes 4). I had a direction and a plan laid out for me like I'd never ever imagine. I was pregnant. Scared. Alone. Broke. Hurt. Torn up inside. But God had a plan for me and this sweet little baby.

Finding out I was 4 months pregnant with no father figure was the scariest and (at the time) WORST time of my life.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Miss independent. Thats why I love her...

November 2nd is a day that will forever be burned in my memory. I'll never forget the day and the feelings like it was yesterday. But let me rewind to the time where my story really starts...

In june of 2015 I met P. Our time was really brief. It was a horrible time of my life. I confused love and attention. Attention is what P gave me. And I didn't care. I was a hard working, single, 28 year old pug momma. As independent as could be. I've had the same job for almost 8 years, I worked very very hard to have a life that looked good on the outside. But on the inside it was so far from what I was portraying. I wasn't in a good place at all. Sure I was "adulting". My bills were always paid at some point. I went to work and busted my butt. I kept a dog alive. Did I ever think about the future? What I really wanted out of life? Absolutely not. Sure I had an idea, but no real direction. Didn't know where to start or how to get there. I met P online like many people do now days. I wasn't sure if he was the "one". I didn't care. One thing led to another which led to a plan b purchase. Something I was very ashamed of. Yes I had "prevented" (or so I thought) a pregnancy. But I felt so shameful for letting this stranger use and disrespect me. I didn't have too long to dwell on my bad decisions because I went off to vegas with my crazy friends to make more bad decisions. And boy did I make them! I partied any thoughts of plan b or baby away! Yes I do realize now that my life could easily be a lifetime story. Of course P pulled away quickly. Do I blame him? No way. I wanted to ghost on myself at that point. And he got  what he wanted so why not?! I was having a blast with my friends. But the thought of the events prior to Vegas stayed in my head. I was absolutely NOT ready for a baby. Not with someone like him. Not at all. And it wouldn't be a possibility right?? I mean plan b is 99 percent effective right?  I decided at the end of the trip that P's phone number would be deleted since I needed nothing to do with someone like that. He didn't want a relationship with me. And I wouldnt become pregnant because we were smart and took an emergency contraception. It had to work.

I was so wrong,