Saturday, August 26, 2017

Asleep in perfect blue buildings...


            'Twas the night before moving day and all through the apartment it was perfectly packed, clean and ready to go...



         Yeah WHO are we kidding here?! I still have crap to throw away and things to pack. I don't exactly want to (right now). Instead I want to walk down memory lane and ponder on the 5 (!!) wonderful years I've had on Rockbrook dr.



   
               I never thought I'd leave this apartment. It was supposedly my "Carried Bradshaw" apartment (if girlfriend was a homebody...) I truly loved it here. I felt comfortable and safe. And as a single woman thats important! I thought I'd stay here until I met "the one" or I died. I really had no plans of leaving! But after some very unfortunate events it was a sign that it's time to go. I've felt I have "outgrown" this place...but I'm downsizing. Boo. It's time to move on. I'm far from work and even farther from fun things to do! And it just hasn't held up so nicely. So I made the decision 2 months ago to move.


 

                It has been a very hard decision for me. For so long this apartment held no memories except for the ones where I watched countless hours of tv with Cruz while we slept or ate. It also held my adorkable moments. Like when I clean and sing a Backstreet Boys song but I change the words to match what I'm doing or my mood. It has held the little memories and victories of "making it" (I put that loosely) through my 20's. But life didn't seem to begin here until Olivia. Here was where it all began for us. She came to my life here and I had to plan for US here. I will never ever forget taking the pregnancy test in my bathroom. I cleaned hoping that the test would show one line but knowing it would show two. And how I made plans to go back to school and find a new career. I felt the most scared and most alone but so very hopeful and full of faith while pregnant here. Out of all of my memories here Olivia will by far be my favorite.


              I feel so silly for being emotional about leaving this place when I know my new place holds such a bright chapter for my future. Who knows how long I'll be there. The plan is to try to stay there until I finish with school and finding a career. My future hope is to buy a house as a single woman once I know where I'll land. But that is down the road. Right now I'll just enjoy the last few moments here. As I blast my Counting Crows at 1am.


                                     How do you handle a big change in your life?

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

If it's not a 90's R&B song, I don't want it....

 

 
            After nearly a year in a seemingly happy relationship, I'm conquering week 2 as being a single woman. If you follow me on social media you know my relationship status has abruptly changed to 'single'. Yes it's very weird. I went from "We" back to "Me". It isn't absolutely terrible. Sometimes it does suck. Most of the time it's ok. I spent so much of my life being a single that I didn't know what else to do. I didn't think I'd ever find love and happiness and now I'm here at square one again. At 30 years old. And I'll only say it once, and here, but I miss my ex. We had a great run and he really taught me a lot in a crucial time in my life. (But Ill get into that in a minute.) So now my weekends and days off consist of being with my dog...alone. It's not the best situation but I'm not trying to change it at the moment. I have alot going on between work and my last 2 weeks of summer school. I'm trying to be strong, but with any other breakup, comes grief. Some may call it depression but I'd like to call it a funk. I may show a brave face, but inside I'm trying to find what happy means as a single.

 

                 How did we get here? You ask. I'll leave the gory details to myself but the bottom line is relationships are hard. Sometimes love isn't enough. Both people need to be on the same page about life and we were not. We were also very different as well. I loved romance and affection and Alec wasn't a fan. We couldn't even agree on tv shows to watch. And there was a very big issue. He wanted to move out of state where family resides. He knew staying here to finish school and being close to Olivia was everything to me. I have no desire to leave Texas just yet. My life is here. And to be honest the thought of sacrificing that for a relationship that has a chance to fail is....SCARY. I've questioned how I felt about the relationship and my place in it for so long. But I loved Alec so much and I was so comfortable being a We that I went with it. Despite being unhappy.


            So the relationship definitely taught me to listen to my gut! It will never fail me. And to not settle for less than I deserve. As a woman that has had to sacrifice the ultimate love, I can not do it again. I feel that I'm busting my butt to better my future for myself, my future husband and future kids (if it's meant to be for me. Maybe it isn't.) I can't afford to settle for someone that can't hold my hand in public, buy me flowers for no reason, or tell me how he feels on his own. I feel I deserve love like Chip and Joanna Gaines and who doesn't?! I know there will be someone out there that will tell me it doesn't exists and I'll ask if they are in a relationship. It does. And one day I'll find it. But I will not live my life questioning if I'm really in love and if it really is "it". I'll always LOVE Alec. He was who I thought I was going to spend my life with and build a family with. But in our case love wasn't enough and that's ok.


       What's next? School of course! I'm 2 weeks away from completing summer classes and I'm so ready!! I get to have a visit with Olivia very soon (and I CAN'T WAIT!! I miss her so much), back to school craziness at work, and I'll be moving into my new apartment which could not have come at a better time. I think a change of scenery will be so awesome for me!! I've put myself back on the dating market but I'm in NO hurry. I'm enjoying a little time of quiet and self love with my 8 year old Pug, Cruz. Of course it won't last forever. I've been in a reflecting time and there has been some sadness but I'm using this time to process, evaluate, decide what I want for the future and heal. No matter how happy I look on social media I'm still sad on the inside. I've cancelled plans because I can't bring myself to go out just yet. Sometimes I really can't believe I'm in this position. So if you find yourself in a situation you aren't happy with, change it. Life is too short to second guess your happiness. Hearts will be broken. But you give yourself a chance to find what you really want!


How do you heal and move forward from a breakup?

Monday, May 22, 2017

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road....



       Yesterday marked the beginning of the last week of my 20's....





I can NOT believe such a big time of my life is coming to an end. A decade full of fun, laughter, drunken times, learning curves, achievements and heartbreak.


I feel like this decade was one of the best times as far as finding myself and learning. I've absolutely learned so much about myself in these past 10 years. I've learned to work hard even when you think no ones watching, to (somewhat) balance a checking account, how to keep another breathing object alive, that I can't drink like I used to (but I end up doing it again), that my plans aren't always God's plans, if a guy doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want one with you, and so much more.


I'm no longer a careless young girl. I do not have everything figured out (yet) but I'm finally getting closer to becoming the woman I've dreamed I'd always be. It took me a while but I finally have a picture of what I want for the future. My 20's were about figuring it out. Going through rough times, failing, loser boys, and soooooo many overdraft fees!


I'm so grateful for the people I've met the last 10 years, good and bad. I'm grateful for the guys that were too immature to be in a relationship with me. Without them, I would have never met the love of my life. And I cant believe I'm about to say it, but I'm grateful for the one who knocked me up. That was the hardest lesson of my 20's but it taught me so much about love and family. I found a family not only for my baby, but me in the process. An unplanned pregnancy, a "nightmare" in the first 5 minutes was what made me grow up. It made me realize that this life is not always about me and my plans are just thoughts that may or may not happen. It was definitely my hardest but favorite heartbreak of them all. Without Olivia, I would not be where I'am. I'm the happiest I've been this decade. She's changed my mind, heart, soul and body....which is another topic.


I realize I do not have the body I did at 20. It has done alot of things since. Chugging a ton of beers, eating alot of good and bad food, working loooonnggg days of cutting hair, and making a life. I do not always love my curvy shape but I've learned to accept and embrace my body for what it can do and not how it looks. I mean I can WERK the body I have anyway. #effyourbeautystandards. It is not always about what people think. They will always have different opinions about how you look. YOU AREN'T PIZZA GIRL, you can't please everyone!!



My hopes for the next decade is to keep growing, building, and grinding for the new found things I really want in life. I'm hoping for a house, a ring and maybe a rugrat or two. I'm also working towards a new career and a college degree!! No matter what age I'm at or milestone I'm hitting I always hope to keep learning. I'm ready to put a decade of pain, heartbreak, mistakes, learning curves and immaturity behind me to really adult. Old enough to know better, but young enough to not care.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Olivia is one and life after placement


                        I'am behind as Olivia is almost 13 months old but I finally feel ok to talk about this milestone without bawling...



                I was SOO SO fortunate to celebrate Olivia's birthday, smash cake included. It was a day better than I hoped for. I got Olivia a necklace that matched rings Amy and I have. It was a special day. It was also a hard day. A few months before her birthday I struggled. I didn't have much motivation to do daily tasks. I was in a very sad, not normal funk.


            And of course after Olivia's birthday I couldn't get out of bed. It is so unlike our visits. Usually I drive home feeling so calm, peaceful and ok with my decision. I can't be upset when Olivia has the best life. That kid literally has everything I want her to have. But the night after her birthday was the second lowest day of my life. It brought me back to the day I left the hospital without her. I told myself I would never let myself feel so low again but the memories came flooding back.

                  It has been one of the best years but also the hardest years of my life. Adoption is not for the faint of heart and I understand why some women feel they can't do it. I'm forever and ever grateful for the relationship I have with Olivia. I love watching this baby blossom and grow. But of course I think "what if". What if I didn't have to make such a hard decision for someone else? What if I never got pregnant? How do you just block out the bad memories that shaped you to be who you are?

                I was told her first birthday was going to be the hardest, but like the adoption plan itself, I couldn't plan for that. I tried as hard as I could to be happy and celebrate this big milestone but it is so hard.


          Olivia has been on my heart tonight. More than usual so I think it's time to open up to a topic that people tend to avoid. I feel I had a little postpartum spell since having Olivia. Only mothers know how it feels to be in a slump after having a child. But only birth moms really know how it feels after placement. I get to a sad state. It's selfish. And full of guilt. I don't know why I feel guilty. Olivia is thriving. But it's hard to not feel guilty when the world paints birth moms as selfish women that give away their "unwanted" babies.

 
        I don't share my story for sympathy or for people to feel sorry for me. I want to bring awareness to the topic of postpartum depression for birth moms, especially the first year post placement. It's so overlooked. People assume that I'm "moving on" because I'm still working, going to school and in a happy relationship. It's far from the truth. My boyfriend sees my struggles firsthand. It is something he will have to manage the rest of our life. I'm so lucky that he is so supportive and lets me talk and cry it out. He's supportive and encouraging of my relationship with Olivia and her mom and it's a great feeling. It's scary dating as a birth mom. Lucky doesn't even begin to cover it with this one.


       To my birth mom friends I'm always here to listen, to laugh and to cry with you. You are not alone. And our mental health DOES matter just as much as our children's wellbeing. We can't be great birth moms if we can't take care of ourself. There is only one of us. I love all of my birth mom sisters!

Thursday, November 24, 2016

It's coming on Christmas.....



                       Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


It has been an eventful day of family debates, food, and fun. The holiday time is finally upon us and I'm excited/dreading it.


Last year was so different for me. I was pregnant and seemingly alone. I had very little support once some of my family members found out I chose not only adoption but open adoption (We had that lovely debate today.) Birth dad wasn't in the picture so it was so hard dealing with all of my feelings alone. Thanksgiving is around the time that I announced my pregnancy to family and started to get close to Olivia's parents. It was the worst holiday of my life. I get why the suicide rate is so high this time of the year. The holidays are meant to be filled with joy with family.


Fast forward a year later and it is different for me but some of the pain is still there. Instead of feeling guilt, shame and sadness for this unborn child, I'm missing this almost 9 month old gorgeous baby. It is her first christmas. Everyone my age is announcing pregnancies or having babies and it absolutely kills me sometimes. I cried myself to sleep last night. Sometimes we really don't understand why God puts us through trials. I still question why I'm the one that got pregnant. Especially in November with the holidays rolling around and adoption month. I see pictures of Olivia and her mom and I get jealous because they both look overjoyed and here I'am trying to piece my feelings back together even after 9 months. I cant wait until things really do get easier because post adoption grief is HARD.

BUT on the other side of the coin I'm so grateful and thankful that Olivia is loved and as happy as she is. I'm grateful that I do get to experience holidays with her. My whole extended family and I had the absolute pleasure having a family Thanksgiving two weeks ago. And in three short weeks I will be going to see her again for christmas. Olivia's parent's do not owe me that. They do not owe me anything. And the adoption paperwork says they can cut me out at any time. But they include me and I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful they see me as an extended part of their family and not just a birth mom. Despite my sadness and despair I think everyday that adoption was Olivia's benefit. Her little toofy smile shows that I made the right decision and I have to rest in that. This year's lessons has brought me many things to be thankful for so I should just focus on that. At the end of the day it is about Olivia and not me. And knowing that is what gets me through.


if you find yourself in a really hard position this holiday do not give up. Think of your blessings and surround yourself in them. God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. This trial might be what you need to shape you in to who you are. To change your life for the better. So focus on the positive and reach out to your support system when you need it! Hope everyone has an amazing thanksgiving full of food, love and adult beverages and no talks of politics, vaccine (yes it went there too), and anything else that should not be said at family gatherings.

Friday, November 11, 2016

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

It has been a minute since I've been able to blog! If anyone here follows me on social media then yall know its been a whirlwind of a semester. I've almost completed my first full semester back at school after 8 years, I tried to get on a tv show (I would totally do it all again in a heartbeat. In fact Call me!), I've watched my livi bug grow into a beautiful little girl (8 months old!! YES! *Ugly cries) and I found myself in a relationship with someone special. But if you guys follow me on my social media platforms then you all know that by now and thats not why I'm blogging.

I'm blogging today for a follow up to my last post. I've successfully been in a relationship for 3 months now. No fights, he hasn't made me cry, no breakups, no drama. Y'all might not think 3 months is a big deal but to me it's HUGE! I haven't had a serious relationship since high school. 10 years ago!! And if I did attempt to get into one since then it was a mess. Drama, tears and heartbreak after 2 weeks. Yeah I messed with alot of f*ckboys in my single time. I'm going to be honest here I got pregnant by one as well.

So what does that term mean? It mean's it is a guy that has no self respect or respect for you pretty lady. You can find him sleeping in at his moms house all day, unemployed or even working a job (not a career) to be able to fund his next pair of shoes, weed or night at the bar. He typically does not get into serious relationships because why would you when there are so many gorgeous woman out there that want to chase you? I chased alot of these boys because just a little over a year ago it was "fun" to have something I couldn't have. I also didn't not love myself enough to walk away. I spent a lot of time in my twenties wishing for the right guy but having my heart broken instead...until this one guy.

I met this guy 3 months ago. Online like most people that hate the bar and want to meet someone with substance. I had told myself that I was done until after college if this didn't work out. After a summer of a few more flings I was DONE meeting guys that were nice to look at but emotionally unavalible. I had promised Olivia's parents that i would value myself enough to not settle for chasing the wrong guy anymore. I mean yes I do have to be a good role model for Olivia in aspects including dating.

So what did I do differently you ask? I started to love and respect myself. After my adoption experience I told myself that I deserve a king to match my life. I DO have a lot to offer now so I should not settle for someone that can't offer anything to me. I changed how I dressed and viewed myself. I did not go home with the man (and yes he is a man. Know the difference ladies) on the first date. I also dress differently since I'am a "mother" in an aspect now. In a time where everyone says put it all on social media and show off what your mama gave ya, I'd love to disagree. As a lover of social media I see it all too much. I'am not here to bash those girls because it is what they choose but it isn't for me. I did get rid of clothes that showed too much. My body is different yes, but I'am almost 30 and wearing something so low that my boobs hang out, or posing in my underwear on instagram is unacceptable. Above all I made it clear to my boyfriend that I was looking for a relationship and not to play around. I was also open about my experience in adoption and being a birth mom. Sooner than later. And he actually supports that aspect in my life. That is how I really know I have a keeper.


So to all of my single ladies out there PUH-LEASE stop chasing the jerks. Rule of thumb is if you are the one doing most of the leg work in the beginning, if he doesn't take out (Or at least cook you dinner. I know we are all on a budget), and if he causes you pain and tears. RUN. If he doesn't pressure you to have sex, listens to you when you have a bad day, and goes out of his way to find ways to take care of you then keep him!! There is someone out there for everyone and when you expect to find a good man (yes I said it again), then you WILL!





Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Down in a hole, losing my soul...

Summer time is just about over and the fall semester has started...Somehow I've survived this far without losing it...somehow...But today I want to talk about something we all do on a daily basis...Something that has consumed me lately....Comparison..


Why do we compare ourselves to others base on social media? I'm going to be honest and real. I got caught up in everyone else's summer fun and their lives that it made me very sad. I questioned why I was going to school, why wasn't my life as glamorous, and why wasn't I having fun instead of working and going to school? I work full time and I'm going to school so I deserve to have a life that looks good on the 'gram, right? But I do have a life that looks good and feels good to me! Why is it so hard to see that?


I see people that always look so put together. They seem to have a new outfit all of the time. People that "work hard and play hard" and are always out having fun. I had a moment of self hate getting ready for a date and realizing that I don't have social media worthy clothes. That I'm a tshirt and jeans girl and there is little chances of changing. I almost didn't even want to go on this date, even though this guy is pretty awesome. I, for a short moment, hated myself for not having something to brag about. But I do have things to brag about! Like juggling school and a full time job with dating, the cutest 6 month old girl I love more than anything, and a fur baby that absolutely keeps me on my toes. So why do I envy people on social media? After all its a snippet of someone's life. Only the best parts. They still struggle with everyday things that we don't exactly want to see. No one wants to air out their life struggles,. Except for me. Because social media shouldn't only be used to share the good times, it should be used for the bad times too. Because we are real people. And I'm about as real as it gets.

So today, and this semester, I'm going to step away from the social media once in a while, stop comparing my life to others, and start enjoying my own blessings right in front of me. Because one day I'll look back and miss this time of my life.

"The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it."

How do you handle envy/self comparison on social media?